The top of the hill is but the bottom of another mountain.

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. - Langston Hughes

No one knows what he can do till he tries. - Publilius Syrus

Success often comes to those who dare to act; it seldom goes to the timid who are ever afraid of the consequences. - Jawaharlal Nehru

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. —Unknown

A bigot is a person who slams his mind in your face. –Unknown

You must see your goals clearly and specifically before you can set out for them. Hold them in your mind until they become second nature. - Les Brown

In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high. -Henry David Thoreau

The real winner sin life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better. --Marbara Pletcher

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. --Aristotle

To stay ahead, you must have your next idea waiting in the wings. --Rosabeth Moss Kanter

To begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment. --James Allen

We make the world we live in and shape our own destiny. --Orison Swett Marden

Our environment, the world in which we live and work, is a mirror of our attitudes and expectations.--Earl Nightingale

The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living from the dead. --Aristotle

Imagination is our strongest tool -- the ability to see ordinary things in new ways. --Keith Herrman

If you play it safe in life, you've decided that you don't want to grow anymore. --Shirley Hufstedler

Winners take time to relish their work, knowing that scaling the mountain is what makes the view from the top so exhilarating. --Denis Waitley

Those who reach greatness on Earth, reach it through concentration. --The Upanishads

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. --Niels Bohr

I've learned that the person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts. --Anonymous

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? –Woody Allen

If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints. –Alfonso the wise (1221-1284)

He was a wise man who invented God. –Plato (427?-348? BC)

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. –Peter Devries

Man is a god in ruins. –Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens. –Montaigne (1553-1592)

If I had been the virgin Mary, I would have said “no”. –Margarat “Stevie” Smith (1902-1971)

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something. –Guindon cartoon caption

Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed. –Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg. –Unknown

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. –Robert Neville

A saint really doesn’t know that they are a saint. –From Saint Sinner

Everyone should believe in something, I believe I’ll have another drink. –Unknown

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. –Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. –Herb Caln

If you are born again does that mean you have two belly buttons? –Bumper Sticker

I’m astounded by people who want to “know” the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. –Woody Allen

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. –James Thurber(1894-1961)

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. –Margaret Bonnano

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. –Charles Schulz(1922-2000)

Life is like an over long drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews. –John Updike

There is more to life than increasing its speed. –Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. –Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Life is what happens while you are making other plans. –John Lennon (1940-1980)

Life is a god-dammed, stinking, treacherous game and nine hundred and ninety-nine out of a thousand are bastards. –Theodore Dreiser (1871-1945) quoting an unnamed newspaper editor

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. –Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. –Flip Wilson (1933-1998)

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. –Woody Allen

Perhaps there is no life after death… there’s just Lost Angeles. –Rick Anderson

Death is nature’s way of saying “Howdy”. –Unknown

The best way to get praise is die. –Italian proverb

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. –Fran Lebouitz

In the long run we are all dead. –John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. –Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. –Cato the Elder (234-149 BC)

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. –Johnny Carson

I wonder if anybody ever reached the age of thirty-five in New England without wanting to kill himself. –Barrett Wendell (1855-1921)

When you don’t have any money, the problems is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health. If everything is simply jake, then you’re frightened of death. –J.P. Donleavy

Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father- an act which made deep impression on me at the time. –Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)

One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. –Beilby Porteus (1731-1808)

A murderer is one is presumed to be innocent until proven insane. –Unknown

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. –Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it. –Biologist P.B. Medawar (1915-1985)

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

The difference genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. –Unknown

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. –Paul Fix

I’m going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. –Semanticist S.I. Hayakawa (1906-1992)

I live in the crown of jollity, not so much to enjoy company as to shun myself. –Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. –Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

He who laughs, last. –Mary Pettibone (c. 1938)

Man: an animal (whose)…chief occupation is extermination of other animals of his own species, which, however, multiplies with such inbistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. –Ambrose Bierce

Woman: an animal…having a vudimentary susceptibility to domestication…the species is the most widely distributed of all beats of prey…the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk. –Ambrose Bierce

Memorial Service: farewell party for someone who has already left. –Robert Byrne

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. –Oscar Wilde

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great. Golda Meir

Stop crime at it’s source. Support planned parenthood. –Robert Byrne

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does. –George Bernard Shaw

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. –Sam Levenson

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. –Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. –Joan Rivers

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. –Aristotle

There was a time when we expected nothing of children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience. –Anatole Broyard

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. –Sam Levenson

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. –Winston Churchill

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. –Florynce Kennedy

I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. –Tallulah Banhead

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. –Karl Kraus

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore. –Edward Dahlberg

What a man enjoys about a woman’s clothing are his fantasies of how she would look without them. –Brendan Francis

Women who miscalculate are called “mothers”. –Abigail van Buren

For the preservation of chastity, an empty and rumbling stomach and fevered lungs are indispensable. –St. Jerome

I hate women because they always know where things are. –James Thurber

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. –Lord Dewar

Love is a grave mental disease. –Plato

What ever deceives seems to produce a magical enchantment. –Plato

It is better to have loved and lost than to have lost at all. –Samuel Butler

If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself. –H.L. Mencken

At American weddings, the quality of the food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bridge and groom. –Calvin Trillin

A curse: may your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis. –Garrison Keillor

My work is done, why wait? --suicide note left by Kodak founder-George Eastman

All right, then, I’ll say it:Dante makes me sick. –Last words of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega

I don’t feel good. –last words of Luther Burbank

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something. –last words of Pancho Villa

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life. –Irish proverb

The reverse side also has a reverse side. –Japanese proverb

Tell the truth and run. –Yugoslavian proverb

Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river. –Haitian proverb

Too clever is dumb. –German proverb

The Irish ignore anything they can’t drink or punch. –Old saying

If god lived on earth, people would break his windows. –Jewish proverb

It is nothing, they are only thrashing my husband. –Portuguese proverb

When the cat and mouse agree, the grocer is ruined. –Persian proverb

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn. –Racetrack proverb

Alexander III Of Macedonia is known as Alexander the great because he killed more people of more different kinds than any other man of his time. –Will Cuppy

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. –Will Cuppy

All gaul is divided into three parts: igneous, metamorphic, and sedimentary. –Geologist Wilson Hinckley

Oh, this age! How tasteless and ill bred it is! –Catullus

It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are. –Publilius Syrus

A man with his belly full of the classics is an enemy of the human race. –Henry Miller

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. –Bertrand Russell

America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. –Oscar Wilde

The 100% American is 99% idiot. –George Bernard Shaw

A manuscript, like a fetus, is never improved by showing it to somebody before it’s completed. –Unknown

Every journalist have a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. –Russell Lynes

Writing is easy. All you have to is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. –Gene Pouler

Incometar returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. –Herman Wouk

There’s no thief like a bad book. –Italian proverb

Never read a book that is not a year old. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them. –Mark Twain

Drunkenness is the ruin of reason. It is premature old age. It is temporary death. –St. Basil

They talk of my drinking but never my thirst. –Scottish proverb

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout. –Unknown

I drink to make other people more interesting. –George Jean Nathan

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. –Nancy, Lady Astor

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. –Hunter S. Thompson

In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children. –Johnny Carson

Nixon is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar… He’s one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides. –Harry S. Truman

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. –Lyndon Baines Johnson

Ronald Regan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat and steal. He’s always had an agent for that. –Bob Hope

Ronald Regan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease. –Jeff Davis

Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? --Lorna Kerr-Walker

Ronald Reagan is the most ignorant president since Warren Harding. –Ralph Nader

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. –Johnny Carson

Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan-a Mount Rushmore of incompetence. –David Steinberg

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president, I’m beginning to believe that. –Clarence Darrow

It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I an strongly in favor of common sense, common honestly, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for any public office. –H.L. Mencken

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians. –Edward Langly

A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well greased. –German proverb

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken. –Benjamin Disraeli

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. –Mark Twain

A closed mouth gathers no feet. –Unknown

He who marries a widow will of ten years have a dead man’s head thrown in his dish. –Spanish proverb

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failures is trying to please everybody. –Bill Cosby

The brain is a wonderful organ; it stats working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. –Robert Frost

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell. –Robert Byrne

I don’t have a warm personal enemy left. They’re all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me. –Clare Boothe

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know. –Mark Twain

Parker’s Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. –from Murphy’s Law

Any fool can make a rule. –Henry David Thoreau

I’ve tried relaxing, but-I don’t know-I feel more comfortable tense. –Hamilton cartoon caption

In many ways, the saying ‘know thyself’ is lacking. Better to know other people. –Menander

Only the shadow know themselves. –Oscar Wilde

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man. –Groucho Marx

It takes a great man to make a good listener. –Arthur Helps

I’ve always been interested in people, but I’ve never liked them. –Somerset Maugham

I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It’s much more humane. –Unknown

A good deed never goes unpunished. –Gore Vidal

Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature. –Samuel Butler

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. –Tom Lehrer

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true. –Dorothy Parker

More than anytime in history mankind faces a crossroad. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. –Woody Allen

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. –George Bernard Shaw

When something good happens it’s a miracle and you should wonder what God is saving up for you later. –Marshall Brickman

If you want an audience, start a fight. –Gaelic proverb

Everything hurts. –Michelangelo Antonions

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. –Unknown

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me. –Alice Roosevelt Longworth

God sends meals and the devil sends cooks. –Thomas Deloney

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose tree in full bloom and freeze to death. –W.C. Fields

Yard Sale-Recently married couple is combining households. All duplicates will be sold, except children. –classified ad in the San Jose Mercury News

Short, balding, Chinese gentleman seeks tall negress with passion for leather and Brahms to attend openings. –classified ad in the Berkley Barb

I’m as pure as the driven slush. –Tallulah Bankhead

I don’t trust him. We’re friends. –Bertolt Brecht

It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. –Somerset Maugham

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. –Anthony Burgress

Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it. –Andrew Young

If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners. –Johnny Carson

A luxury liner is just a bad play surrounded by water. –Clive James

The future isn’t what it used to be. –Variously ascribed

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. –Gloria Steinem

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. –John F. Kennedy

They say you can’t do it, sometimes it doesn’t always work. –Casey Stengel

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo. –Robert Byrne

I’m trying to arrange my life so that I don’t have to be present. –Unknown

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. –Unknown

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. –Unknown

If today was a fish, I’d throw it back in. –Song Title

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs. –Lily Tomlin

The best way to lose weight is to get the flu and take a trip to Egypt. –Roz Laurence

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand who cookbooks outsell sex books three to one. –L. M. Boyd

Something ignoble, loathsome, undignified attends all associations between people and has been transferred to all objects, dwellings, tools, even the landscape itself. –Bertolt Brecht on America

We had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was out. –John C. Clancy

To err is human, to forgive supine. –S. J. Perelman

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King. –Johnny Carson

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well. –Joe Ancis

When I hear the word ‘culture’ I reach for my gun. –Hans Johst

The two hardest things to handle is life are failure and success. –Unknown

Progress might have been all right once but it has gone on too long. –Ogden Nash

The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool. –George Santayana

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead. –James Thurber

I have no relish for the country; it is kind and healthy grave. –Sydney Smith

Everything has been figured out except how to live. –Jean-Paul Sartre

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hire an army to prove it. –Ted Morgan

Being perfectly well-dressed gives a feeling of tranquility that religion is powerless to bestow. –Ralph Waldo Emerson quoting a friend

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that gets all the publicity. But then- we elect them. –Lily Tomlin

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. –Mark Twain

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. –Frank Crow

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. –Jackie Mason

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. –Will Rogers

Never trust anyone over-dirty. –Robert Byrne

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. –Woody Allen

Ammonia is beautiful. –Bumper Sticker

FECK OPUC. –Bumper Sticker

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. –Thomas Jefferson

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy. –F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some things have to be believed to be seen. –Ralph Hodgson on ESP

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every newsperson you meet reminds you of someone else. –Ogden Nash

In the first place, god made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. –Mark Twain

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel. –Will Kommen

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run. –Abraham Lincoln

In the end, everything is a gag. –Charlie Chaplin

Mythology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. –Christopher Morely

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows throw. –Paul Valery

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. –Samuel Butler

Why attack god? He may be as miserable as we are. –Erik Satire

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god. –Lenny Bruce

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. –Napoleon

What if there has been room at the in? --Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity

Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I killed him because he wouldn’t become a doctor. –Lenny Bruce

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree shake your fist at the sky and say, ‘storms suck!’ –Johnny Carson

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people. –Lucille S. Harper

If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. –Diogeness the Cynic

A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple. –Japanese proverb

He who hesitates is a damn fool. –Mae West

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. –Woody Allen

What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin. –Jerry Lester

My mother didn’t breast feed me she said she liked me as a friend. –Rodney Dangerfield

Reinhart was never his mother’s favorite- and he was an only child. –Thomas Berger

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your mid section unprotected. –Robert Orben

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. –Herbert Hoover

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. –Martin Mull

The worst thing about some men is that when they are drunk they are sober. –William Butler Yeats

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. –Dylan Thomas

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. –Eugene Ionesco

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. –Bill Musselman

Go away. I’m all right. –Last words of H. G. Wells

There are only two kinds of men- the dead and the deadly. –Helen Rowland

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. –Lillian Day

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn’t last long. –Shellery Winters

Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in morning. –Marlo Thomas

Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has been a failure in life. –Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. –Dick Gregory

All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a penis or a vagina. –Florynce Kennedy

People who work sitting down get paid more than people standing up. –Ogden Nash

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. –Jackie Mason

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you’ll be surprised at how little you have. –Ernest Haskins

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. –Errol Flynn

To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. –Unknown

War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory. –Geroges Clemenceau

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball. –Charles V

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. –Blake Clark

Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. –Unknown

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

When walking through a melon patch, don’t adjust your sandals. –Chinese proverb

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like. –Jackie Mason

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. –Redd Foxx

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meals has never been found. –Calvin Trillin

There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers. –Robert Orben

I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash. –Sigmund Freud

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck sauce. –Richard Lewis

The big cities of America are becoming Third World Countries. –Nora Ephron

New York now leads the world’s greatest cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. –David Letterman

San Francisco is like granola: take away the fruits and the nuts, and all you have are the flakes. –Unknown

I hate small towns because once you’ve seen the cannon in the park there’s nothing else to do. –Lenny Bruce

Schizophrenia beats dining alone. –Unknown

When we talk to god, we’re praying. When god talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. –Lily Tomlin

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. –David Letterman

When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound, is it always from the book? --George Christoph Lich-lenberg

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. –Thomas Jefferson

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. –Christopher Hampton

Immature poets imitate: mature poets steal. –T. S. Eliot

When in doubt have two guys come through the door with guns. –Raymond Chandler

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. –Voltaire

Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle. –Heinrich Heine

Only in show business could a guy with a C-minus average be considered an intellectual. –Mort Sahl on himself

The dead actor requested in his will that his body be cremated and ten percent of his ashes thrown in his agent’s face. –Unknown

[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging. –Samuel Johnson

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags it’s tail it knocks over a chair. –Arnold Toynbee

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. –Jim Samuels

Animals have these advantages over men: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts law suits over their wills. –Voltaire

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. –Samuel Butler

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young. –Jim Samuels to a heckler

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. –Emra Bombeck

A young doctor means a new graveyard. –German proverb

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something to me that brought tears to my eyes. He said ‘no hablo ingles’. –Ronnie Shakes

I never did give anybody hell. I just told them the truth and they thought it was hell. –Harry S. Truman

Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I’m the only person standing between Nixon and the White House. –John F. Kennedy in 1960

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. –Mort Sahl

Every decent man in ashamed of the government he lives under. –H. L. Mencken

You can’t beat City Hall, but you can drive by and egg it. –John Eagner

Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made. –Otto von Bismarck

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. –Darrin Weinberg

Coincidences are spiritual puns. –G.K. Chesterton

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. –George Carlin

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. –Richard Diran

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. –Robert Orben

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do. –Unknown

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton restless. –Unknown

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. –Jack E. Leonard to Ed Sullivan

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. –Thomas Jones

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. –W. C. Fields

There are two types of pedestrians…the quick and the dead. –Lord Thomas Robert Dewar

You can choose your friends, but you only have one mother. –Mav Shulman

It is unpleasant to go alone, even to be drowned. –Russian proverb

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. –Johnny Carson

How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. –simplified tax reform-suggested by Stanton Delaplane

The only thing that stops god from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. –Nicolas Chamfort

Which is it, is man one of god’s blunders or is god one of man’s? --Friedrich Nietzsche

When I was a kid in the ghetto, a gang started going around harassing people, so some of the toughest kids formed a gang called The Sharks to stop them. The other gang was called The Jehovah’s Witnesses. –Charles Kosar

I like life. It’s something to do. –Ronnie Shakes

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. –Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)

If they could put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all? --Unknown

I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat. –Marty Pollio

In love there are two evils: war and peace. –Horance

Love is the crocodile on the river of desire. –Bhartrihar

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried. –Mae West

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican. –Will Durst

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied. –Robert Byrne

It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot. –Warren Thomas

Brains are an asset, if you hide them. –Mae West

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. –Arthur Baer

If god wanted sex to be fun, he wouldn’t have included children as punishment. –Ed Bluestone

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. –Mark Twain

The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children. –Unknown

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free of and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. –Emo Philips

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school. It’s costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life support system. –Will Shriner

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. –Joey Bishop

I am not young enough to know everything. –Oscar Wilde

Death is just a distant rumor to the young. –Andy Rooney

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: what the hell good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

Living with a conscious is like driving a car with the breaks on. –Budd Schulberg

A bore is someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. –variously ascribed

There are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking. –Mary Lowry

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead, not sick, not wounded-dead. –Woody Allen

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and then let the food fight it out inside. –Mark Twain

In Mexico we have a word for sushi-bait. –Jou Simon

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you can do is run for public office. –Covert Bailey

The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death. –Michael Phelps, MD

After a year is therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ‘maybe life isn’t for everyone’. –Larry Brown

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there. –Mickery Friedman

Cockroaches and socialites are the only thing that can stay all night and eat nothing. –Herb Caen

Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. –Elsa Maxwell

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. –Unknown

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you an idiot. –Leo Durocher

The highlight of my baseball career came in Philadelphia’s Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper deck. When he got up and walked away the crowd booed. –Bob Gecker

Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies and to the bathroom. –Unknown

Thanks to the Interstate Highway system, it is not possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. –Charles Kuralt

Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it. –Unknown

Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them cleaner. –Andrew Malcolm

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. –Mark Russell

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol. –George Carlin

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. –Kin Hubbard

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. –Alfred Hitchcock

The human race is faced with a cruel choice. Work or daytime television. –Unknown

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. –Robert Byrne

To bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. –George Burns

In America, anyone can become president. That’s one of the risks you take. –Adlai Stevenson

When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we’ve been saying they were. –John F. Kennedy

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research. –Wilson Mizner

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain

You can always tell book people. They are well dressed and their hair is really clean. –overheard by Constance Casey at a bookseller’s convention

Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon. –Tommy Lasorda

A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone spit in it. –Danielle Steel

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting. –George Carlin

You know it’s not a good wax museum when there are wicks coming out of people’s heads. –Rick Reynolds

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. –Mark Twain

I never forgot a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. –Groucho Marx

Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person. –Unknown

Flies spread disease-keep yours zipped. –Unknown

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. –Mark Twain

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. –Mark Twain

Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. –R.A. Dickson

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged. –Heinrich Heine

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again. –Unknown

The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam of ten comes first and then the lesson. –Unknown

The world is a mad house, so it’s only right that it is patrolled by armed idiots. –Brendan Behan

The nail that sticks up gets hammered down. –Japanese proverb

Do not disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids. –Tim Bedore

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. –George Jean Nathan

Don’t jump on a man unless he’s down. –Finley Peter Dunne

The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign. –H. L. Mencken

The first human being who hurled an insult unstead of a stone was the founder of civilization. –attributed to Sigmund Freud

We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know. –W.H. Auden

I sometimes worry that god has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten us. –Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook. –Arthur Koestler

If god listened to every shepherd’s curse, our sheep would all be dead. –Russian proverb

What can you say about a society that says god is dead and Elvis is alive? --Irv Kupcinet

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name? --Unknown

Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens. –Unknown

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born. –Elayne Boosler

It may be that we have all lived before and died any this is hell. –A. L. Prosick

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, I’m wearing Milk Bone shorts. –Kelly Allen

The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chances of disillusionment. –Art Spander

Humankind cannot bear very much reality. –T.S. Eliot

Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. –Unknown

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason- there’s a reason. –Molly McGee

Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what’s the point. –Gladys Upham

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself. –Roseanne Barr

I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear. –Margaret Smith

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain. –Judy Tenuta

Blondes have more fun because they’re easier to find in the dark. –Unknown

It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point. –Will Durst

I have never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it makes as long as you get a good one? --Heywood Brown

Babies don’t need vacations, but I still see them at the beach. –Steven Wright

If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance. –Al Bernstein

A tragedy is a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with an empty seat. –Unknown

Never get deeply in debt to someone who cried at the end of Scarface. –Robert S. Wieder

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. –Garfield (Jim Davis)

Cannibals aren’t vegetarians, they’re humanitarians. –Unknown

Thomas Jefferson’s slaves loved him so much they called him by a special name: dad. –Mark Russell

Are the people who run for president ready the best in a country of 240 million? If so, something has happened to the gene pool. –Bob McKenzic

Every hero becomes a bore at last. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

A blank page is god’s way of showing you how hard it is to be god. –Unknown

The shortest distance between two points is usually under repair. –Unknown

If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation. –Helen Mundis

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? --Steven Wright

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